Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas Day, 2011

There is something wrong with my son. We are not sure what it is, and we will take him to the doctor this week. There is a slight chance that it is something life threatening and scary, but that is a really slim chance and, for now, I am not thinking about that possibility. I know everything happens for a reason, and that this challenge, whatever it is, is just part of a larger picture for my son. But knowing that does not change the fact that I am terrified.

More than likely, he has a neurological disorder that is pretty scary in and of itself. Looking back on the last few years, there have been signs, well small symptoms really. However, in the last couple of months the symptoms have slowly manifested themselves in ways that cannot be ignored or attributed to something else. We have talked to him about what is going on (without saying the words "doctors, tests, disorders,"), and he knows that something is not right. He is a trooper and is trying his best.

The words have been in the back of my mind for a few weeks; I have felt the promptings of the Spirit telling me there is something more,  but today at church, as I watched my son pass the Sacrament, the words hit me with full force. I took out my phone and started Googling. This is not something I ever do during Sacrament meeting, let alone while the Sacrament is being passed. But I needed to know. I read through the first few entries and broke down. All the symptoms matched. I checked different sights, and as I did more things matched. I showed my husband, he said he knew. It hit me then...I am not the only one who has felt the promptings. I am not the only one to be terrified. He hugged me and said it will be okay. I started to cry, walked out of the chapel, went to a primary room, and sobbed like I have not sobbed in a long time.

If my feeling is correct, this will not kill him. He will live a "normal" life, but  his life will be far more difficult because of this disorder. I left my phone in the chapel unable to read more. I sorted through the things in my head. I prayed. A lot. I cried for my son. I tried to go back to the chapel, but every time I thought I had control over my emotions, tears started falling again and my hands started shaking.

I am terrified. How do I even begin to discuss this with him? How do I call the doctors and explain what I already know? We decided not to say anything to anyone until we know.  We will tell our son about the doctor, we will tell him that this is not his fault, but that this needs to happen. He will say that he will try harder, and I will hold him and cry and again explain that it is not his fault. There are steps to be taken, a lot of reading to do, tests to be done before we know anything for certain.

I love my husband with all my heart. I cried a lot yesterday. He held me and let me cry. "I know he is your baby," he said. "But, whatever it is, we will handle it together."

And so I wait and struggle to keep this to myself.

Monday, December 12, 2011


I have not written in a while because I have been crazy busy. I love my family, and I love my job. I love the Gospel. Things in my life are actually going quite well. I have re-prioritized some things in my life, and in so doing, I eliminated some unneccessary stress.

My wonderful children are amazing. I love watching them grow and learn. My oldest is about to edge me out in the height division, and my youngest is hot on his trail! It is a good feeling to know that I will soon be the smallest person in my house. That knowledge makes me smile. My husband loves me and tells me so each and every moment he gets. He is my strength. He is patient and kind. He is my example of Christ-like love.

I had the best visit from two dear friends in the last month. One in LDS and the other is not. Not that it makes a difference, but I just thought I would share. I look at my close friends and I am grateful that I have a few really close friends. Friends with whom I would love to spend a girl's weekend. The problem is that my closest friends are not friends with each other. Several do not even know each other. I am lucky enough to have met several women during the course of my life who I love and cherish. Each is unique and each came at a different time in my life.

There is BFF#1 who I met several decades ago as young children thrown into a world we didn't understand. We grew up together, and she is my closest and dearest friend. We have history. We have common ground. We are opposite of each other in many ways, but she is the one person I can talk to about anything, from parenthood to politics and religion. She kicks my butt when it needs to be kicked, but she loves me more than any other friend ever has and ever will. She lives too far away, but if she lived close...oh, how happy I would be! She is more than a best friend. There are no words for what she is to me.

There is BFF #2 who I met over one decade ago. We passed by each other so many times, but we always knew we were best friends. We are so similar. We laugh at the same things. She lives close. We go to movies, to dinner, to Starbucks and Baskin Robbins. We hang out each week. We share books. We get frustrated with each other and continue on. I can talk to her about anything too, but it is different than BFF#1. She is my sister in the Gospel and my best friend every day.

There is BF#3 who I met in my childhood. She is the constant cheerleader. The one who I cried to about boys before I met my husband. The one whose life has never been easy, but the one who is constantly worried about everyone else. She lives closer than she has in over 20 years, but it is still not close enough to see on a regular basis.

There is BF#4 who I also met almost a decade ago. We share a passion for books. We are so different, but we are kindred spirits as mothers, as wives, as women. She moved away years ago, but every time she comes to visit, we talk for hours.

These are four of the "girls in my circle". I am blessed to have each one of them. I have talked to each of them about going away for a "girl's weekend" and each to a different place. A place that fits me and fits them. From Catalina Island, to New York City, to Santa Fe, to Aspen, to Naples. Now, I just have to decide where to go first and with whom to go with!

I am blessed.