Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas Day, 2011

There is something wrong with my son. We are not sure what it is, and we will take him to the doctor this week. There is a slight chance that it is something life threatening and scary, but that is a really slim chance and, for now, I am not thinking about that possibility. I know everything happens for a reason, and that this challenge, whatever it is, is just part of a larger picture for my son. But knowing that does not change the fact that I am terrified.

More than likely, he has a neurological disorder that is pretty scary in and of itself. Looking back on the last few years, there have been signs, well small symptoms really. However, in the last couple of months the symptoms have slowly manifested themselves in ways that cannot be ignored or attributed to something else. We have talked to him about what is going on (without saying the words "doctors, tests, disorders,"), and he knows that something is not right. He is a trooper and is trying his best.

The words have been in the back of my mind for a few weeks; I have felt the promptings of the Spirit telling me there is something more,  but today at church, as I watched my son pass the Sacrament, the words hit me with full force. I took out my phone and started Googling. This is not something I ever do during Sacrament meeting, let alone while the Sacrament is being passed. But I needed to know. I read through the first few entries and broke down. All the symptoms matched. I checked different sights, and as I did more things matched. I showed my husband, he said he knew. It hit me then...I am not the only one who has felt the promptings. I am not the only one to be terrified. He hugged me and said it will be okay. I started to cry, walked out of the chapel, went to a primary room, and sobbed like I have not sobbed in a long time.

If my feeling is correct, this will not kill him. He will live a "normal" life, but  his life will be far more difficult because of this disorder. I left my phone in the chapel unable to read more. I sorted through the things in my head. I prayed. A lot. I cried for my son. I tried to go back to the chapel, but every time I thought I had control over my emotions, tears started falling again and my hands started shaking.

I am terrified. How do I even begin to discuss this with him? How do I call the doctors and explain what I already know? We decided not to say anything to anyone until we know.  We will tell our son about the doctor, we will tell him that this is not his fault, but that this needs to happen. He will say that he will try harder, and I will hold him and cry and again explain that it is not his fault. There are steps to be taken, a lot of reading to do, tests to be done before we know anything for certain.

I love my husband with all my heart. I cried a lot yesterday. He held me and let me cry. "I know he is your baby," he said. "But, whatever it is, we will handle it together."

And so I wait and struggle to keep this to myself.


ldahospud said...

Oh Kage, I'm so sorry for the fear and heartache you are feeling. Thanks for reaching out today. Please keep us posted so we can support you. Many hugs and much love to you.

Wendy Williams said...

I hope that things get a little clearer for you soon. I'm sure Heavenly Father will help you explain things to your son in a way that he can understand and cope with. Hang in there.