Sunday, September 9, 2012

I have been blessed

I have been blessed with the gift of great faith. Faith has  never been difficult for me. It is just something that has always been a part of me. That is not to say that I don't question. That I don't doubt. I do, both. But, I have always had a great faith. I do not believe everything that I am  told; in fact,I believe hardly anything that I am told. I study, I pray, I think, I question. And when I am satisfied with the process and feel that I have an answer, I have faith in whatever principle, commandment, or idea.

Today, I taught the Relief Society Lesson #17 on Faith. (I don't remember the whole title,  but it was from the George Albert Smith book). The examples in that lesson are BIG examples. Examples of seemingly impossible tasks that required faith in the Lord to accomplish or overcome. While I love those faith affirming examples, I decided to take a different route for my lesson.

I started with the fact that if Heavenly Father came to me and told me that I needed to move across the country, I would do it in a heartbeat. If  he told me to build a boat, I would do it. Because I have faith. I went on to say that all of us in the room would do what Heavenly Father told us to do. Those are the easy pieces of faith. (And the unlikely pieces of faith because Heavenly Father does not just come down and tell us things  face to face....at least not to the people I know.)

The hard part of faith is the little things. It is knowing that after four years of pure hell...of adversity, or difficultly, of frustration, of depression, that things are going to be okay in the end.

I was terrified when my husband was sick for over a year, but I had faith that everything would be okay. Did I know what that "okay" would look like? No, I didn't. It very easily could have been my life as a widowed mother of two. It came close to that. Was I scared? You bet I was, but I had faith that everything would happen as it was supposed to. While it did not make the challenge easier, it made it more  bearable. Even when I was pressed down by the world and when I felt the world was gathering against me. When I was alone and scared and needed to be strong for my husband and children, I had a strong faith that lifted me up and helped me to continue putting one foot in front of the other.

And this year,  while my son is sick and we don't know what is wrong. While we know that it is dangerous and needs to be fixed, I have faith that things will be okay. Again, I don't know what "okay" looks like. And quite frankly, it terrifies me. I have had the "What if" thoughts in my head. I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine the pain of losing him. My entire being runs away from those thoughts, but that doesn't allow me  to escape them. I still have faith, and that faith gives me peace and comfort. Even when I do not know what the rest of this trial will look like. I have faith.

I have faith. Faith that my Heavenly Father loves me. Faith that He suffers with me. Faith that everything happens for a reason. I may not know why things happen, I may not know how long these trials will last, but I have faith that I am never alone. I have faith that Heavenly Father has blessed me the strength and ability to overcome these trials and accomplish all that He asks of me. And right now, He is asking me to walk with faith through these trials.